The Greatest Story Ever Told: A Free and Appropriate Education

If you’re going to glean anything from my ramblings it’s that I shoot straight from the hip – and speak straight from the heart – that is, when I’m not exercising my inalienable right to poke fun at all that’s wrong with the world around me. You see, I’m the proud product of a public education, right here in Delaware…no kidding. For those of you below the canal, that’s a full twelve years of school; thirteen including kindergarten. I know! That does seem like a lot of school, doesn’t it?

Either I’m the anomaly, or just one of many recipients of a decent public school education in Delaware. I’d like to think it’s the latter. It is with great respect and admiration for my 12th grade English teacher, Betty Belle Harker, that I dedicate this post, loosely based on a writing assignment from her class that I still remember quite vividly. I guess I should also credit Jonathan Swift for my half-assed, bastardized version of “A Modest Proposal”.

(For those of you playing “Guess Who”, I have just spotted you at least two degrees of separation. I’m a Delawarean. Betty Belle Harker was my 12th grade English teacher. And, since she taught at a time when being a teacher was a respected, life-long occupation, and given that she retired in the mid 90’s, that would make me s

somewhere between 35 and 60 years old. You’re welcome!)

“Race To The Top” - A Very Modest Proposal

For Preventing The Children of Poor People From Being Such A Burden,

To Limit The Irreparable Damage Caused by

Experienced Educators and Traditional Coursework,

To Provide Immediate “Improvement” To School District Administrators

Through The Segregation of The Educationally Challenged and

The Renaming of New Schools After Dead People Who Shant Protest

Alrighty then… Let’s dispense with the formality and start by putting this whole free and appropriate education concept in perspective.

What is “free”? We’re taught from an early age that nothing in this life is free and, moreover, nothing free is worth having. Ours is a society that values only the latest technology, the biggest homes, designer jeans, and cups of coffee that cost as much as a lunch and contain as many calories.

Appropriate = subjective. What’s right for you is probably sub-standard to me. That’s the beauty of subjectivity! Appropriate to the current business model of public education = $$$ for test results. The end result justifies the means.

Education…also subjective. That’s why education is such a touchy subject around the world. Educate the wrong people (women, children, the poor…) and you level the playing field. Then you just have win, as opposed to having win-win. It’s damn near impossible to lord over your equal. Educated people tend to expect more (better paying jobs, freedom, education, the right to walk down the street without a burka or a beating, etc.). It is perhaps in the best interest of society to ensure that our educational system mirrors our socio-economic class system. It’s for the greater good.

Race To The Top extols the brilliant strategy of eliminating problem schools with low standardized testing scores. First, fire all of the experienced educators – you cost too much, you object to the repetitive teaching of testing questions/answers and you’re entitled to a pension; don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out (we don’t want any damage to the door which might lower its resale value). What the hell, just fire everyone – janitors, lunch ladies, bus-drivers, the Nurse, the Librarian, and McGruff the Crime Dog. Then, expel the whole damn school. Just kick it out of the district, students and all. Call it a Charter School, give it a regal sounding name (like the Emeril Lagasse School of Culinary Farts), staff it at minimum wage with unemployed and inexperienced college graduates with excessive credit card debt and pawn the whole thing off on the Mayor. It’s yours now, Puffinstuff, do as you wish, no takes. Brilliant!

Improve results by eliminating the weakest link. Clever as a fox…that gnaws off it’s own leg to escape a trap. Some might argue that a three legged fox doesn’t have the same appearance or balance…but those are the same damn people who think that lining your coat or your pocket at the expense of foxes is just wrong. I hate selfish people!

Sure, Race To The Top is good…but it’s only half of the solution. The down-side to eliminating all of the under-performing schools and raising the testing bar is that a third of the surviving schools will assume the position as the scourge of the district. No, the problem with Race To The Top is that it doesn’t go nearly far enough! Any intelligent businessman can appreciate the money making potential of a public school district. Property owners and the Federal Government ensure that there’s millions, if not billions of dollars, up for grabs each year. When the fund runs low, you just pass another tear-jerker referendum. It’s amazing how much proud suburbanites will pay you to keep their kids out of a trailer!

Excessive administration creates jobs (good paying jobs). Hiring consultants from prestigious sounding companies hones the competitive edge and looks pretty impressive to the inexperienced and less intelligent general public. But how do you justify the expense of technology in classrooms? Why waste all that overhead on buildings, furniture, busses, and classroom supplies? How can one justify spending money on current textbooks or reams of paper (or the technology to replace the need for textbooks and copy machines) when that money can be spent on lavish hotels, gourmet meals, travel and entertainment expenses for the hard-working decision-makers?

My proposal to fix our public school system is so simple, so cost effective, and so perfect…I’m getting chills just thinking about it. It’s been right in front of our eyes and ears for years – Wikipedia, Cliff Notes, and the Stanley Kaplan Learning Center - or, better yet, some less expensive knock-off!

We currently spend roughly $11K per student per year. What a waste of money! What is our return on investment? A smart-assed, dyslexic, latch-key kid who doesn’t test well and spends all his time playing on his cell phone and home computer - sexting, Twittering, and Facebooking. Come on now…how are we supposed to educate THAT! His parents can’t even get him to wear pants that fit, for crying out loud.

We are so beyond trying to actually educate these kids. Teaching them to take tests by providing them with constant drilling of questions and answers is enough of a commitment. A free and appropriate education. Show me where it says a good education? Why should the school district be responsible for producing responsible young adults that are well-prepared for either college or the work-force? In this day and age, college costs the same as a beach-house and we now live with double digit unemployment. The better educated children are the more disappointed and depressed they will become as adults.

Thank you, Oprah, for my “aha moment” (well, it either happened during her show or Jerry Springer). Rather than over-paying for qualified, experienced educators, transportation expenses, the overhead of a cafeteria, costly facilities and maintenance, we should just bite the bullet once and for all and Race To The Top, eliminating any semblance of public schools as we currently know them.

Children typically learn to read by first or second grade. During those formative years, we should allocate tax payer money to send them to a Stanley Kaplan learning center a couple of hours a week. Once they can read, Wikipedia and Cliff Notes should suffice as a primary education curriculum. Since Federal guidelines call for mandatory standardized testing, a couple of weeks of Stanley Kaplan test preparation each year should suffice.

Once again, you’re welcome! My modest proposal has now conservatively saved $10k per student per year, solved Delaware's budget woes, and reaffirmed Jack Markell as The Education Governor!  My minimal fee as an Educational Consultant should be paid in $10k increments per reformed school. Individual checks please, to eliminate any meddling by your local finance committee or school board. A 10% discount, and use of my condo in the Outer Banks, applies for all payments made in cash.