Strategic Plan for the Delaware DOE: Lesson #2

Lesson #2: Turning an even bigger liability into an asset

Now that the Delaware DOE has successfully sold its collective soul for $100 million, we’re going to need to make some obvious changes to our educational system so we can salvage some small semblance of dignity and respect. Once the seed money is squandered on additional administration and consultants, this may possibly be the only lasting legacy from this whole debacle (besides the massive debt, increased taxes, and teacher-less public schools).

Educators state-wide have been making headlines lately, but not for excellence in English, math, science, or even sports. No, in Delaware, our news-worthy teachers seem to excel at teaching sex education…to minors…with one-on-one classroom, car, or apartment ratios. For years, students have been wasting their time selling donuts and carnations in the halls and classrooms when it turns out they could have made a lot more money “fun-raising”, selling condoms in the school’s colors to their faculty “boosters”.

I know what we really need is more consultants and standardized testing strategies, but we must take advantage of the Race To The Top money and use at least a little of it to better our schools and improve the safety of our students.
Therefore:

• since we’re going to waste the bulk of the $100 million on overpriced consultants anyway;

• since hundreds, if not thousands, of experienced teachers will be laid off (in the sense that they will be “reformed” out of a job; no gratification with minors implied);

• since all new teaching positions will be filled with relocated recent college graduates from Teach America making just $18-$20k a year (not nearly enough to go out after work, date, rent an R or X rated movie, or even to live indoors really);

• since none of the $100 million will improve classrooms, student ratios, the quality of teachers, etc.

and

• since S&M in our schools should once again refer to science and math (thanks a lot, perverts!);

I propose that a portion of the RTTT funds be used to create a dating service for all DE DOE employees and independent contractors. I’m quite confident that hiring an over-paid match-making firm to “consult” with individual districts and to implement social networking opportunities for educators, administrators, formerly unemployable and now newly educated 21 yr old “instructors”, and over-priced consultants will be well received. Taxpayers with school-aged children would definitely support this. In fact, this advice should have made it into the Cambridge report. If it didn’t, then I think we should freeze all payments because they didn’t do a very thorough job in evaluating the needs of our schools!

While this might be accomplished for free using an existing social networking site or even Craig’s list, think of the positive media opportunities and recruiting power that a professional dating service run by the DE DOE could provide. No more messy investigative reports and paid administrative leave for district employees facing probable indictment. We just need to point the “more experienced educators” in the direction of the 21 year old Teach America kids instead of allowing them to mingle and exchange phone numbers or text with the easily corrupted minors in our classrooms, that’s all.

We get it. You’re underpaid and frustrated in every possible way. You want a ream of something and, since paper is apparently out of the question... We get it! All we ask is that you keep your hands off the children, okay! Relief is on the way.

What better way to harness this untapped, unbridled carnal energy into actually improving our schools for 8 hours a day and then unleash it in a flood of release after the end of the day announcements and the last bell. Happy hour starts at 4, but only after carding everyone to ensure that they are actually consenting adults. A win-win, my friends!

Let’s be honest - Delaware is a long distance from the “comforts” of home in MA and wherever the TA kids will hail from, and what happens in DE tends to stay in DE - except for baby-daddies. We need to be pro-active, professional, protective, prohibitive, and pro-prophalactic. If we do not stop these promiscuous proclivities we can expect procreation, probes by proctors, profanation, probation, protests, and proliferation of pro-life proponents via progeny at or around the night of the prom. Lest you think this is propaganda meant to proselytize, progress will only begin when a protagonist (like your friend, MI) prognosticates then professes and proclaims proficiency in problem solving and promptly proposes provocatively profound, yet promotable, processes without promise of proceeds or profit.

Lesson #2: Educators - Keep it in your pants, out of our schools, and out of the media. Comprende?